Learn about Grief Share with Cindy Pugh - Ep 3

I had a great conversation with Cindy Pugh. She shared her story of loss and grief. About how she was helped by the people and ministry of Grief Share. Grief Share offers a 13-week course, a daily devotional and local small groups to help those going through a season of grief. 

There are many different groups and times across the city to get plugged into this life restoring ministry. Since going through grief share twice Cindy Pugh now helps lead others across the chasm of grief back into the Joy of God. 

Connect with Cindy Pugh: cpugh187@gmail.com

For more information about Grief Share: www.griefshare.org

Transcript

Nathan Sack  00:30

Thanks for joining us for another Joy Valley podcast. Joy Valley is having conversations with Christian ministries in Kansas City that are focused on trauma and emotional healing. In this podcast, you will discover the many Christian ministries that have partnered with Jesus to bind up the brokenhearted and proclaim freedom for those who are captive in Kansas City. I had a great conversation with Cindy Pugh. She shared her story of loss and grief about how she was helped by the people in ministry of grief share. Grief Share offers a 13-week course a daily devotional and local small groups to help those going through a season of grief. There are many different groups and times across the city to get plugged into this life restoring ministry since growing through grief share twice. Cindy Pugh now helps lead others across the chasm of grief back into the joy of God. Here is my conversation with Cindy Pugh. Well, welcome. Cindy Pugh is great to have you. Thanks. Thanks for having me today, Nathan. Today, we're going to be talking about Grief Share. I just did a little bit of research before we're doing this podcast. And I just realized that they have like encouraging daily emails. And I did a search because GriefShare offers support groups for people who are who are grieving. I did a search just for my area over here in South Kansas City. And there were 20 Plus groups that had dates that were upcoming in different churches around here. And so it is a very well-known and widely used grief, recovery or grief finding a community of people to to be with. 

So Cindy, can you just tell us a little bit about your story and how you discovered that we've shared

Cindy Pugh  02:14

in February 2017, my husband was on the highway and wound up in an accident with a semi truck. It was hours later before I found out in fact, I saw on the news to be honest, I saw in the news, I had gone to bed and had the police come knocking at my door after 10 o'clock at night in the accidents around six 630. And I thought there was something else going on with one of my children. They said Can I come in and they've just pushed their way into the house and said, You need to sit down. I'm like, what's going on? What do you guys need? They said, I'm sorry, but your husband's been in an accident. So it was very, it was it was very traumatic, of course, you know, it's shock, you know, you can't believe it, you felt like you're in a movie and call on my kids called some friends and, you know, had to kind of work through that. And, you know, it's a shock. It's a shock to your system, it's a shock to your mind. But through all that, you know, I've got some wonderful children and friends and family and everybody kind of came around us and I, you know, through the church, big church that we went to years ago, there's lots of lots of people we knew, but some people you know, you knew from a distance, but we're not never close to but I had somebody reach out to me through Facebook and send me a message to tell me about Grief Share. And they said, hey, well, the first thing I just talked about, you know, I totally understand were going through, she had lost her husband like 10 months before I did. And she was saying, you know, it's hard, you know, when you go to bed, you know, there's, you know, trying to get two towels out for the morning or to this and to that and going to bed and empty bed. So she I knew she totally understand what I was going through. And she said, Hey, by the way, can I get your email, I want to send you something. And if you don't want it, that's fine. So she starts in. So as she sees she signed me up for this screen share the daily emails, and I will tell you, between that and a morning devotional that I was going through, it was just a godsend for me, because it's like, oh, you know, they they understand what I'm going through. They're kind of trying to help me through the day. You know, it was just a little sentence or two sentences a day, kind of again, it's a type of devotional type of thing that I was receiving from Grief Share. And I would say probably after a couple months, and I knew I still needed help, I was still having a really hard time. She again reached out to me said hey, there is a group called Grief Share that you can go to. And it can you kind of work through some of the things that you're going through. It's you can jump in at any time. You don't have to start from the beginning. And I did I looked on the same thing you did. I looked on the website and found you know, all 20 or whatever different groups that you could go to there's day groups there's night group.

Nathan Sack  04:46

Yeah, it was really impressive the amount of the opportunity to go to these groups.

Cindy Pugh  04:51

Oh yeah, yeah, there's there's tons which is wonderful because you can find one your area, but I had a couple people recommend one specific group and I tried to find that I, I actually I tried one, two, probably three by three different groups before I found a group that that worked well, for me, just different combination of people and instructors, that type of thing. And there's nothing wrong with each one of them. But just sometimes you just gel better with somebody's personality. Yeah. So then I started going to this group, and I jumped in, it was probably the middle of it. And I finished that one off. And during the group, they kept saying, you know, it might be good to go a second time. And so I did it. And it's one of those things. I don't know if you understand it, until you get to it. But the first I said, like, say he died in February. So when I was getting close to the holidays, it's like, Oh, my goodness, how am I gonna make it through the holidays? How am I going to do this? You know, he's not around, you still do same traditions? Do you not do the same traditions? Do you find new ones? And, you know, just trying to function without somebody else there?

Nathan Sack  05:48

You know, I noticed that on grief sharing, and I I don't know, so I'm just asking the question. I mean, they were talking a lot about, hey, we can help you make it through the holidays. Mm hmm. I didn't I don't understand that personally. So can you just explain a little bit like you're trying to explain about the holidays?

Cindy Pugh  06:02

Yeah, sure, sure. And there, this curriculum is 13 weeks, but there is like a one time losing your spouse no one time surviving the holidays. Yeah, the surviving the holidays, surviving the holidays, which is wonderful. It's probably an hour to, you know, course to go through, but it's great. It's just, you know, remembering them at the may be different way to say they give you tips and ideas how to remember somebody might be lighting a candle might be putting a light on might be putting something that's their favorite out. So you're not forgetting that loved one that you had that you've lost. So they're still a part of your life. And then again, they suggest, you know, you can do the same things you can find different things to do and kind of work through, you know, sometimes maybe if it's a spouse, and you want to talk to your children about it, some people have lost children. So, there's, there's different ones, but it does, it's they're just tools to help you to get through these very, very difficult times that you're having.

Nathan Sack  06:56

So they do they does, like the tools that that you're suggesting today, like, provide suggestions, like, hey, try this, or, Hey, you know, create a list for this or create a list for that, you know, just things to hey, you know, I don't know. So yeah. Now,

Cindy Pugh  07:13

those are great questions. That's good. Thank you. So the, it's a video that you watch, and you watch probably at least probably five, six different people. And they're all stories because everybody's different, and everybody grieves differently. And but they will walk you through, okay, so you're probably going to be very stressed out. So, you know, some things to think about was maybe cutting back on the things that you normally do, what's the most important thing for you, you know, and write these things down? You know, you're already stressed because you're grieving, but you know, you've got the holidays, which are stressful. So let's let's, you know, be practical. We're gonna make a list. Okay, what's the most important things? What can you do without some other things to think about? You know, you're used to maybe going to holiday parties with that person? Okay, let's, let's figure this out. Before you get there. Okay. Are you going to go first of all, are you going to take somebody with you? Are you going to drive by yourself? What happens if you get a call ambushed by emotions? Yeah, you know, can you change the subject? Maybe you can, you know, maybe tell people ahead of time, I'm still struggling with this. If I start to cry, it's okay. Or I may have to leave. So you're, you're kind of preparing other people that you're going to be with to let them know, you know, that you might be leaving, you're going to try and go but you might be leaving, or maybe you're not going to go this is why. So it's all these practical things to think about that, you know, obviously, we've never been through this before. So we don't know what to do. So it's so so helpful.

Nathan Sack  08:33

You said, you know, by telling the people who are around you, hey, I might have to leave or so you're almost like, you're almost it's like almost like a new boundary system. Yeah, great for yourself. Exactly. You say I am going to give myself permission to leave here and I'm gonna let this person know, hey, if I have to leave, I have to leave. So and so then when you do leave them, at least you let them let them know, Hey, I can't I can't do this anymore. Right. I, I've, I'm at my max.

Cindy Pugh  09:05

Exactly, exactly. And it's like I said, you let them know ahead of time, so you don't feel obligated while you're there. And you're in tears to say, I just can't do this and leave or make them uncomfortable. What because what most the time when you're crying, it's, it's okay for you, but it makes the other person uncomfortable.

Nathan Sack  09:20

So that's interesting, because it's sometimes hard for us to prefer ourselves. And I mean, I can see that this grief sharing is like, Hey, you got to take care of yourself.

Cindy Pugh  09:31

Exactly. Exactly. And they do emphasize those types of things to make sure you're taking care of yourself that you're not trying to overdo it for somebody else. But this is you know, about you and your health. Your emotional health. Yeah, and getting through it.

Nathan Sack  09:45

Yeah, I just know that for myself. I'm very responsible, extremely dependable person. And so if I was going through this, I would have a hard time like letting go. And just letting I would like probably try just to I separate myself from the problem and then live my life separately from that, but I'm sure grief sharing is like, no, no, you need to meet, you need to stay whole here. You need to be a whole person, if you're, you can't like ignore that you can't like shove your grief in a closet somewhere, and just let it be there and live your life, it is has to be that it seems like grief sharing, from what you've told me is like, they're saying, No, this needs to be you need to experience grieving, you need to go through it so that you can be a whole person.

Cindy Pugh  10:33

Exactly, exactly. You need to have those feelings and go through that. But you don't want to get stuck in those feelings either. So and that's another thing they bring up, you know, not to get stuck. And but just again, you know, our mind is huge, you know, what we're thinking how we're processing, or we're not processing? Or, you know, that to be that victim? You know, we are, we are the person that's lost somebody, you know, but But no, you know, yes, we have, but there's more to life and our loved one would want us to go on? And we're gonna have to go on?

Nathan Sack  11:04

Absolutely. Yeah. So you brought it up a couple times. But there's a court, there's a course that you take that has like 13 different videos in it. And you say you went when you first started you it started like in the middle of it, and then then you went back, and then you went back through it a second time. And and since then you've actually started helping lead these types of groups of grief sharing. So I know that all this lists off a few of them. It's just like courses, these are videos, how long are these videos, they're usually about an hour, two hours long, or they're really between 30 and 45 minutes. So between 30 and 45 minute videos, about grief and in your relationships or the journey of grief, guilt and anger, you know, what do I live for now? Those are just to list off a few of the different episodes or different sections that this grief share process goes through? So would you like to, because I know that you've been able to invite some friends and some other people into this, would you like to share a little bit about the now you're in a reverse role of helping others because you you're kind of guide you're now a guide? In your and how you've now you know, you've you had that you get help and be led? Now you're leading others out?

Cindy Pugh  12:24

Yeah, sure. So the first year that I went through GriefShare, and I think for most people is you're in a fog, you know, it's still shock, and you're trying to adjust and not everything is making sense. Not everything is is processing in your mind. So definitely the second year is better that you're starting to pick up tips and tricks that you probably missed the first time around. So it's solidifying in that second year. And like I said, there's there's probably five different speakers in these videos that we're watching. And you're hearing different stories and different perspectives and different ages and what they're going through or have gone through and then how they deal with it or you know how they struggled with it. So it's really helpful to do the second time. And it's interesting, because because I have had a loss, I've noticed other people around they're having losses. So trying to help them a little bit. And help them to understand until you I felt like until you have lost someone, there is a big huge hole in your heart that you want to fill that you that you want to kind of replace. And it's just really, really difficult. It's really painful. And you don't understand it until you've gone through it. I never understood when other people had lost somebody. Yeah, so I feel like I'm in a place now that I understand. It's really hard. It's really difficult. I've had other people come up to me that I've had losses recently that have said the same thing. You know, I just didn't understand when when you lost your husband, and I just I'm sorry, I wasn't there for you. I'm like, Hey, I didn't know and you never know what to say. Even when I run into somebody that's lost somebody. Sometimes you still don't know what to say. Yeah. Because it's really hard. It's really hard. So yeah, all of these classes have really helped me you've developed

Nathan Sack  14:02

an increase compassion. Oh, oh, yeah.

Cindy Pugh  14:05

Oh, yeah. And it's it's difficult. I remember after he first died thinking, Oh, God, this hurts so bad. It hurts so bad. I can't wait till it's been a year. Then like a year. It's just it just it's dragging it. You feel like you're in quicksand. You feel like you just can't move and just the pain is so hard and so difficult. I can't explain it. I've lost parents. I've lost grandparents. I've lost a cousin but it nothing compares to losing a spouse. And I'm sure for other people to lose a child to lose somebody that's close to you. But

Nathan Sack  14:40

it is such a part of your Oh my goodness. You're everything. I mean, your your daily routine. They're your you know, they're your partner.

Cindy Pugh  14:48

There they are. They're part of your life. I can't imagine. One of the things they explained. It's like getting your arm ripped off. So your arm stripped off and how do you live without that arm now? Yeah. One of the courses that we go through is, you know, what was that person to you? Did they? Did they mow the lawn? Did they clean the garage? Did they run the errands? I mean, you're used to using this partnership or is it somebody that you did everything with it? You went to the gym with it, you went to the grocery store with it, you went everywhere with this person is gone. Now. You know, how do you live? I mean, this is this is huge. But you know, God is faithful. God is faithful. And he's and he's good to the widows and the orphans. And he comes any any is with us. Yeah, he really is. And he comes and he takes care of that. But I will tell you, it's been fun to teach it now. To watch other people that are going through it and watch them, God heal them, and bring them out of what they're going through. And some people get stuck in grief, and it becomes who you are. And you're almost defined by that. And then it becomes scary to come out of that and become somebody different. But that's what God wants us to do. Yeah, and it's been fun to watch these people go, it's okay, I can I can still live I can. There's still a purpose for me. God still has something for me. Yeah. And they have watched them go on and have a little bit of joy. And it's okay to have joy. But it's almost scary to have joy after the pain. Because you're like, Oh, what, you know, what does that mean? Does it mean I, I'm still I'm not grieving the person I've lost, but no, you are and you have, and you can have joy now it's okay.

Nathan Sack  16:24

It's almost like you have to get permission to Buy and buy permitted to be happy. Exactly. Exactly. Like,

Cindy Pugh  16:32

I know, you would think well, of course, but you know, you, you. You're you're grieving, you're grieving, and you're sad, and you're sad. All of a sudden, you're laughing like, Oh, I just laughed. Is that okay? Yes, it's okay. So you

Nathan Sack  16:46

always have to relearn how to, to, you know, to be human again, or we learn how to have joy and have life and, and be full again. So when you're when you're when you're working with these new people, like, you know, they're just starting the course. And obviously, they're at the bottom, you know, oh, you know, I don't know how many go on and stuff like that, you know, now, would you would you say like, there is another side to this? Oh, yeah, there is another side so you can get through and get to the other side, you know, so you're standing on the other side of the valley of the shadow of death, for lack of a better term. That'd be a great term for this, you know, this valley that you went through? And you're like, there is another side?

Cindy Pugh  17:31

Yes, there definitely is. There definitely is, and sometimes you can't see it at first, and it takes a long time. But there is there is, I mean, God is numbered our days. That's true, you know, and that, that really made me mad. I was mad for a long time. I knew that scripture for years and years and years. And I, you know, you live your life like, Are my days are numbered, but when it turns around, it says, the person I love their days were numbered and their time was up. It's like, no, no, that's not fair. That's not fair. Well, who's it not fair for? Is it not fair for them? Or is it not fair? For me? It's not fair for my children. It's not fair for the friends, you know, but but God knows. God knows. And I know, I know, he was ready. He was ready to go. And he was ready to be in heaven and be with Jesus. But it's still hard. Yeah, it's, you know, it's still hard.

Nathan Sack  18:20

So, grief, the grief share group that you're currently with is out of your church, which is in Lee's Summit, which churches that it's summit Park church and Lee's Summit summit Park church, and I know there's quite a few other different grief groups out of different Baptist churches, I think that there was one out of the Evangel temple up the street. I mean, there's quite a few different churches that are hosting this so and at different times, like you said, and so if people want to get started, what do they do? They just contact the or they just go to the Grief Share website, and then find a find a group and like you said, you tried three or three different groups before you found your right group. So I gotta find your people that you're willing to, you know, go through the valley with.

Cindy Pugh  19:02

Exactly, exactly and open up and be comfortable with opening up and sharing your life. So yeah, so there's groups all around the city, which is wonderful, because you can look for something that works for you. There's different days of the week, there's different times there's, like said, There's daytime, there's nighttime, so you can look it up on the website. It's set up that the leaders like myself, we will get emailed from people that are interested in joining our group. It's awesome. Yeah, it is. And then they can they can email us I think our phone numbers somehow is listed on there too. But to try and you know, say I'm coming or I'm interested or what do I need to do? There is a book that goes along with it, which they have done an excellent job with, there's a video there's a workbook, you kind of look through the workbook, and then we have discussions and after. After your after the session is done for the night. There's daily things to go through. It's almost like a journal, you know, day one, day two, just trying to stress. Yes,

Nathan Sack  19:58

so it's 13 weeks long. So So they have like a daily journal, but you meet once a week, then? Yes. So you meet once a week, and then there's like a six day devotional or step by step going through different things while you're in your intermediary time between groups.

Cindy Pugh  20:13

Yes, that's correct. That's correct. Yeah. So it's, it's been a great curriculum. And so you're not just hearing. But you know, everybody learns differently. So you're hearing you're discussing verbally, you're writing things down, you're reading. So it kind of clicks in and, you know, it brings up scripture, and you know, what God has for us and what he's doing with us, and how to journey through all of this. And it also I just want to bring up there's some things that sometimes you felt like you're abnormal, like, you know, what to do with their belongings that have been left. Also, things like, just working through, like, having dreams, dreams, about, you know, like, I've had many, many dreams about him. You know, this is odd, you know, so it's, it's not odd. So you start to feel normal, about all these different things that you're, you're going through, and then you hear other people are going through. So it's been a great curriculum, it's been great. Yes, that's why I'm encouraged to, you know, share it with other people. And it's Bible based. So if you got scriptures to back up, I'll stand down. And even just little scriptures during the week, you know, little cards that you can hang on your mirror, you know, put in your book, whatever you're doing for the day, to try and remind yourself remind ourselves of, you know, what's what we're doing or what God has for us in the future.

Nathan Sack  21:27

Alright, so Cindy, if people wanted to contact you, about Grief Share, or just to to meet you personally, what is your email,

Cindy Pugh  21:38

my email address is CPUG, h 187, at

Nathan Sack  21:43

gmail.com gmail.com. And I'll make sure to include that in the description or the show notes. So that if you want to reach out to her directly, and I'll also include the website of WWI griefshare.org in the in the show notes so that people can go find their own groups, because it's so helpful having the resource of people who have who are going through the same thing, and then other people who have already who are on the other side.

Cindy Pugh  22:11

Yes, yes, it's very helpful, and all the things that we need to do when that happens.

Nathan Sack  22:16

Well, thank you so much for joining us on the joy Valley podcast. Is there anything else you'd like to say? Now? Just thank you so much for having me today. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you, Cindy pew for sharing your story with us. It was very insightful to learn how the ministry of grief share gave you a people and a method to hold on to when you are crossing the chasm of grief to the other side. If you would like to connect with Cindy Pugh directly, please email her at cpugh187@gmail.com. To learn more about the ministry and discover grief sharing groups near you go to www.griefshare.org 
Thank you so much, Cindy Pugh. God bless. 

Thanks again for joining us for another Joy Valley podcast. Please consider partnering with the joy Valley mission to discover Christian ministries in Kansas City. Focus on trauma and emotional healing. If you'd like to partner with us, please go to www.patreon.com/joyvalley Thank you so much.